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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Ride me like you stole me.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.