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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
I like people... From a distance.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver