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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.