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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.