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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Do you really have to breath that much?
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.