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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?