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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!