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They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.