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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.