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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.