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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.