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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, Iām not tired at all.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...