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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
My mind has a mind of its own.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.