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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
My life is just one long improvisation.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(
What Iām really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.