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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.