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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.