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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
Some people just need to be clothes lined
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.