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So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!