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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
I order all my food with extra gluten.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.