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I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.