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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.