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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.