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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
The well behaved rarely make history.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
How`d this get posted?