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I drink to make other people interesting.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.