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People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.