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You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"