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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Iām always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Iām not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.