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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.