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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.