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I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!