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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Being normal is boring.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.