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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.