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I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?