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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?