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I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
Home is where the alcohol is.