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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Some of my best memories are naps.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.