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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait