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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?