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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either