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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!