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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
I forgot to post this earlier
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.