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The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.