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My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"