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Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.