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Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.