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I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.