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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.