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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out