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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.