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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.