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Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Marriage is for quitters
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.