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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.