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Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.