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I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.