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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
You think Iām mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you