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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?