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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100