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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
How`d this get posted?