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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."