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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.