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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.