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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I just threw up my weekend.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!