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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm