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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.