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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.