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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook