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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
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I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.