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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.