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You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.