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Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.