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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...