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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman