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Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.