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Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
The best things in life require no pants.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.