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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.