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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!