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I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"