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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.