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It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.