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It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.