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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.