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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.