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House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.