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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.