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I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.