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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.