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Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.