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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
Gravity is a real downer.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.