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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
i like boobs
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.