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If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
I like the part of the day when food happens.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.