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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.