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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.