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You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.