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New day, same old bullsh!t
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
Safe words are for quitters.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.