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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.