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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.