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I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.