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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.