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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.