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I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook