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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.