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If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY