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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.