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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.