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Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.