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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball