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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.