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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.