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I don`t care about your status...
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet