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Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.