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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
No pants are the best pants.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.