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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.